But, then

on the other hand, classes and ill health and not meeting expectations aside, i've had fun so far. it's not all bad.

things i wanted to do vs things i have done

Travelling for 4 hours a day for 2 months in order to attend summer school was only humanly possible due to my convincing myself i would achieve the following things:

1. Get in to Politics w/ Film & tv at Glasgow Uni
2. Live in the west end
   
3. Write for all the newspapers and magazines i possibly could
4. Join a load of clubs/societies
5. Make friends with whom i actually had things in common
6. Look after myself and retain some semblance of a healthy lifestyle
7. Manage my budget to an anal degree
8. Read more. All the books i've bought over the years and haven't gotten around to
9. Take more photos and make more time for doing the things i enjoy
10. Be sociable and outgoing (or at least fake it)
11. Do more music based stuff that i always wanted to do but never had the time/skill/motivation.

Things from the above list which i have achieved:

1. My A grades at summer school and any amount of begging couldn't get me in. I'm now having to pay the uni to let me do a course i didn't want to do in the first place
2. I'm having to live in the city centre because, again, no amount of begging could get the uni to let a lowly paying part time student into halls. I have a 40 minute commute to classes still
3. Never went to the societies fair until the last day and everything was gone. Never bothered to chase things down. The 40 minute commute seemed to put me off the daily travelling a bit too easily.
4. See above. Joined the filmmaking society but as yet haven't managed to go to any meetings because i live nowhere near these obscure places in the west end/illness.
5. This one just hasn't happened. probably because of the not being in societies issue and not going to any freshers events since the only people i know go to caley/strathclyde.
6. Barely eating enough fruit and veg to stay alive. Not looking after the anaemia issue in the slightest. Never taking my medication. What's worse is that's it's effecting my ability to get up and go to classes and have any energy whatsoever. Also didn't join the gym due to my bad budgeting skills.
   
7. See above. My notebooks that i purchased for this very reason remain in their plastic wrappers.
8. Haven't read a thing since getting here. Didn't even have the concentration to do my coursework reading.
9. The only photos i have taken since getting here are a few photos of my flatmates pissed in caley union on the first tuesday (a month ago?)
10. Apparently i can't even fake having a personality
11. I tuned my ukulele once. Left my violin and bass at home. Other than the occassional backing vocals on a trock song i don't see this one ever taking off.

And there you have it, a nice big list of reasons why i am fail.

motivation (or lack of)

I wish i would stop convincing myself that i have the willpower and motivation to do anything worthwhile with my time, just to go and waste is all again.

It's bad enough that everything seems to be working against me as it is: I could do without holding myself back even more on top of that.

But, I suppose if things hadn't gone horrifically wrong and i hadn't ended up on the wrong course and the wrong end of the city and the wrong set of circumstances i might be even more lonely than i am now. Though at least i might actually be going to classes.

I need a push in the right direction or, i don't know, at least something to aim for. Some direction to my life would be pretty handy right now. Or even just the ability to stop kidding myself.

What can you do with a pretentious arts degree with bugger all in the way of job prospects at the end of it?


(Make a really cool paper plane?)




fin